Happy Birthday To Me

Wow... I haven't posted on this since 2012.  That's insane.

Another thing that's insane is: today, I am 39 years old.

Thirty-freaking-nine.

...

How did this happen already?  I still feel very much like a child inside.  I still have fears, doubts, insecurities, etc.  I still have hopes and dreams.  I still struggle with some things that only God knows about.  I still need my parents to be there for me and I never feel as at peace with things as I do when they are nearby, (they are coming to see me for my birthday later today and I am SO looking forward to it! Yay!).

Thirty-nine.  Years.  Old.

I have children of my own.  Four, in total.  Three that I have fathered and one that I ...step-father(?).  lol
She has her father in her life and I mostly feel like she views me as a nuisance and that's okay -- I would never want to replace someone's father anyway, but I do discipline her more than anyone else in her life, hopefully it eventually pays off.  She's a very smart girl with great potential ahead of her, if she will just embrace it.
My oldest is my only son and he will be turning 17 later this month, that also blows my mind.  It truly is amazing how fast the years go by...  I can still vividly remember the day (night) he was born.  I can still remember his first day of kindergarten and how emotional it was to take him to school that day.  He's as tall as I am now (if not already a little taller) and he's growing into a great young man and I am very proud to be his dad.  I love his passion for music... pretty sure it's in his genes.  I got it from my dad, and he got it from his.
My oldest daughter is 15 and will soon be finishing up her freshman year of high school, which is also insane to me as well.  She is an amazing young lady who keeps a smile on my face with her somewhat goofy antics (hey, she gets it honest!) and I love how excited she gets when she talks about things that interest her.  She has always been the one to give me a hug when I need it the most, ever since she was a toddler.  She keeps a smile on my face as well as in my heart.
My youngest daughter is just over 3 and a half years old and was an unexpected blessing in my life.  I thought I was completely done having children but - surprise! - was I ever wrong.  Haha...  She has really enhanced my life in so many ways already, I couldn't possibly imagine a life without her.  She is such a bright addition to my world and she brings me great joy each and every day.  The outpouring of love I felt from the first moment I saw her, and the first moments I held her, has really been overwhelming at times - in a good way.  I'm so glad that I have been able to be here with her every step of the way so far in her life, unlike with my oldest two when they were apart from me for quite some time when they were very young.

Thirty...nine...yearssssssssssss......

I'm married, again, to a wonderful woman that I butt heads with often but who I know loves me very much.  We are very much opposites in many ways, but she has completed my life in far more ways.  She's a beautiful, short, fiery firecracker (I swear, sometimes I think she should've been born a redhead!  lol) that sparks up my life with raw emotion.  She has her likes and dislikes and they don't always mesh with mine, but we have found common ground in enough things to keep us happy.  She's a wonderful mommy and a fabulous chef (not a cook, that's too commonplace for what she does!) and she's my best friend.  I love her tremendously.  <3

39!

I'm already dreading next year's birthday.
However, I'm glad I'm surrounded by so much love in my life.

Here's hoping whoever is reading this is as blessed as I am.

Happy Birthday to me!

Random Kindness Leads To Feeling Awesome

So today on my lunch break near downtown Nashville, I took my blanket with me that I got in a game at work last week--a blanket that I didn’t even really want and also I wasn’t real sure why I chose it in the game--and as I walked, I asked God to show me who needed it and headed out down this nearby bike path where there’s ALWAYS homeless people on benches and whatnot but today… there was nobody there.  Odd.  

I ended up seeing this guy walking near the park and felt compelled to follow him, so I did… but he was making a beeline across the grass in the park and was very direct in heading north past the farmer’s marke t(where I was headed) and I eventually gave up because I was heading there for lunch afterall… lol

So I went and got my food and then walked all the way over to the open tables near the BBQ place which are right next to some front windows in the food court area of the farmer’s market…

While sitting there, eating my food and wondering where someone could be that could make use of that blanket, I notice that I’m looking out the front windows at the main entrance at this woman trying to sell those homeless newspapers and I go:  =o

I then hurry and finish my lunch and then I think…  “Hmmm… what if I..?”  Yes, I had made a decision to do something a little more and I go over to this booth that I had been by a few times recently and I ask for two chocolate chip cookies, but I say that I need them in separate bags because I’m about to give one away.  (They put them in these little sleeve/bag thingies).

So I head towards the front and I put the $10 bill and the $5 bill that I got back as part of my change under the cookie in the bag that I’m going to hand to the lady outside and I head out front… 

I walk over and I say, “Hi” …she says, “Hello…”  I say, “I have a question... could you use this?” and I hold out the blanket all rolled up nicely in it’s still new, unused little thingy that’s wrapped around it.

She says, “Oh my goodness –yes!”  So I say, “Then it’s yours.”  “And by the way, I want you to have this – these are THE BEST chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I just wanted to share them with someone.” 

She takes them both and says, “Why… why thank you sweetheart…” and I say, “You’re welcome!  Have a good day.”  

I walked away feeling awesome, but also wishing I could've done more.  

I will do more.

Hello Again

Hello old friend
You've been knocking,
But I didn't wanna let you in.
Truth be told
You're no friend of mine
Just a shadow that's always been there
Behind me.. watching...
Waiting...
I just didn't want to turn and face you
I wanted to look over my shoulder
And not see you there..
I thought you'd finally gone
But you never really went away
Hello again.

I'm Abrasive.

Sometimes I rub people the wrong way.

Sometimes I make them uncomfortable.

It's not something I'm proud of, but it happens.

I can't really control it, it just seems to happen... especially when I'm annoyed.

So let's see here...... what annoys me?

Stupidity. Laziness. Ignorance. Etc.

When confronted with these and similar things, I complain.

That's usually where I get in trouble.

Figures.

Other people are slacking off or not doing things right and I get in trouble.

But anyway, these things are all around us.. each and every day.

What to do, what to do....?

It sucks to admit this but hey, I did recently change the name of my blog here so:

The only thing I can really do is try my damnedest to not let these things get to me.

And that is reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy friggin' hard, lemme tell ya.

But, while I do that, I would like to ask that everyone else out there reading this do me a simple favor...

When you're faced with stupidity, laziness, ignorance, etc. etc....

SPEAK UP!

Because not everybody can.

Always Remember.

I never really understood that there were people in this world that truly hated our country, that is... not until ten years ago.

Here's what I've never been able to wrap my mind around regarding Sept 11, 2001:

I can't understand how any group of people out there can think of the U.S.A. as evil and want to cause such pain and loss and devastation to innocent people like all of those that lost their lives who were just spending another day at the office. Or their loved ones who, when they learned of the attack, were immediately concerned about their safety. Or all of the firefighters and service men and women who are still feeling the effects from breathing in all of those toxins during the clean up efforts.

Never forget? Of course not -- it would be an impossibility for any of us... to forget such a horrible and tragic event.

Forgetting is definitely impossible.

But instead of saying "Never Forget", why not say "Always Remember" ..?

Always Remember those that risked and gave their lives in trying to help getting as many people to safety as possible...

Always Remember those on United Flight 93 that banded together to not allow another successful strike on another target and who took the power back from their plane's hijackers...

Always Remember that feeling that we all had deep in the pit of our stomachs when we first learned the news of what was happening that day...

Always Remember...... not just on anniversaries, but every day.

Is this country perfect? HA! Far from it, but it is my home and I'm proud to be an American.

No country is perfect just as no human being is perfect -- we all have our flaws... but I'm proud that, when there's a need to help others out, Americans will stand up and volunteer. We do what is necessary to help others out at home and abroad whenever we can. Sometimes over and above the call of duty... it's hard for me to imagine that the first shift of clean up efforts on 9/12/2001 lasted 24 hours. I doubt I could physically keep moving that long, but who knows?

I am an American after all.

If you're really proud to be an American, you will Always Remember.

Trials of Love

Life has a way of testing you... usually over and over and over.

We all face hard times in life and we all experience highs and lows.

I've struggled with finding someone who I love and who loves me that I can trust my heart with completely for many, many years. Last year, I got involved in a serious relationship with someone and my life was completely changed forever. Everything felt new. She made absolutely everything better in my life. It gave me hope for the future because I could see that she really loved me and cared about not only me, but my children as well.

A few days after my last blog, she tried to end our relationship believing that it was for the best because of the seemingly impossible situation she has been in for a long time now dealing with an insane, psychotic, controlling and manipulative ex-boyfriend (and father of her daughter). She didn't want anything to happen to me and thought he would go so far as to kill me and she cared about me and loved me so much as to try and end our relationship because she thought it was for the best for ME. She still wanted to be with me as much as ever but she put that aside because she didn't want anything to happen to me.

That is love.

Love is self-sacrificing, and that is exactly what she was doing. The thing is, it devastated me. After all this time of hoping to find someone to love me and my kids who I also loved as well, someone who enhanced every aspect of my life, someone who makes me want to be a better man -- a better friend, a better father, a better partner, a better lover and eventually a better husband than I have ever been before... after finding that person in her there was no way I could just give up and walk away...........

Now that we made it past that difficult time.. we are better than ever before. Making it through such a trying time in our relationship has solidified how we both feel about each other and we are both hopeful for our future together.

Of course, there's still the psycho ex (who I usually refer to as psycho-boy or psycho-pants) but, as I told her during that time: we can't allow someone like that to control our lives. No one should allow someone to have such control. I refuse to live in fear of any so-called "man" who continues to threaten her and her loved ones...

So no, things aren't perfect -- it's not a perfect world we live in. But we are stronger than ever before and we have hope for our future life together and I have never been happier in my entire life. I look so forward to the two of us being married and living together and even having another baby together... I daydream about those times ahead quite often and it brings a huge smile to my face each and every time.

For anyone who reads this, I would like to ask for your continued prayers for us.. but especially for her. True, I'm in a difficult spot because she doesn't want me to confront him but I can't imagine how difficult it all must be for her. I continue to lay low because it is what she wants, and continually showing her how very much I love her is respecting her wishes.. especially right now.

She is my life, my heart, my everything. Wherever she is that's where I want to be... but it's also where I am meant to be. <3

People

I love people, I really do.

I especially love helping people in need when I can.

But some people... some say and do some of the dumbest things.

Like filing a disability claim for their 10 month old baby with the allegation of:

"Learning Disability"

...

For real?

Are you serious?

What, did your baby not pick up potty training by their 10 month or what?

Babies... are BABIES.

Some things just take time.

(Especially that potty training thing, ..and yes I'm fully aware that 10 months is way too early for that. Please, please don't be one of those people -- just go with it).

Some people learn things at a different pace.

Just chill out and be patient and work with your child a little more.

I mean, you're not even a year into this parenting thing... you're gonna need a lot more practice with this "patience" stuff, trust me.

Some people call me and ask some of the craziest questions.

Well, not just me, but my coworkers, too.

Things like the following examples:

#1

Person: "I have a certain phobia. Can I get disability? Or do I need more than just my phobia to qualify?" (Really? You're scared of something, and you want a check. Wow. Why didn't I think of that? Oh that's right, I'm not one of those people).

#2

Person: "I'd like to speak with my lawyer." (Then call his office? lol, why'd you call us?) /shrug

#3

Me: "Your claim is still currently processing."

Person: "What does 'processing' mean?" (Same person has asked me this question the last 5 times they have called, and I have explained it each and every time).

Sometimes they call multiple times a day.

Some people just need a new hobby I guess.

Most people I talk with, unfortunately, seem to want something for nothing.

They have a certain issue in their life and they wholeheartedly believe they should qualify for disability. But come on, everyone has their own issues and problems -- it doesn't mean that you should automatically get a check every month for it.

The worst part is that, because there are SO many people that fit into the above category, they take up time by workers that really should be spent working on the cases of people that have serious health/mental issues in their lives.

My heart goes out to these people, it really does.

They are usually so sweet when I talk to them, too. You can tell they are trying their best to stay positive in the face of real adversity. They are usually dealing with unimaginable difficulties in their lives and they are the people that are the reason certain institutions like where I work even exist.

I guess, though, that I should be glad that both groups of these people call and are filing all these claims in the first place.

Without all of them, they may not have needed another person to answer calls like this:

Person: "I would like to check the status of my claim."

...a few moments later into the call...

Me: "A decision was recently made on your claim. You should receive your decision in the mail within the next few weeks -- you do have to receive all decisions in writing as we cannot disclose those over the phone."

Person: "So what was the decision?"

Me: "... you have to receive all decisions in writing."

Person: "You mean you can't just tell me?"

Me: "...... we cannot disclose decisions over the phone."

Person: "Was it good or bad?"

Me: ( ...head smacks down onto desk hopelessly... )

You have NO IDEA how often that last scenario plays out each and every week. /sigh