Saturday, July 19, 2008

Saying Goodbye To The Past

(Originally posted by me on another blog on July 19, 2008)
Saying Goodbye To The Past

Current mood:contemplative

I thought of you today...

Amidst all the talking and laughing of people nearby

In a familiar place I'd only seen in passing by

Over the past ten, eleven, twelve years

While I've struggled with facing so many fears

Fighting back tears... although those moments

have been less and less... but I digress.

I thought of you today...

How once I was so happy with you

How everything back then was so fresh and so new

Before the downfall, before the demise

Before your constant string of lies

...came crashing down... under pale grey skies.

I thought of you today...

And our time there before

I stood by a tree and stared at the shore

I inhaled the last winds of death

And I exhaled it all out with one final breath

...finally, at long last -- I can live with my past.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Why?

(Originally posted by me on another blog on July 3, 2008)
Why?

Current mood:blah

(I posted this annonymously on craigslist a few days ago... just thought I'd put it here, too.)

Why is my specialty impossible relationships?
Why is the timing never right?
Why is the feeling never mutual?
Why can't I get up enough courage to speak up and say something?
Why am I so shy?
What's there to really lose?
Why do I still let the past get to me at times?
Why are there so many deceitful people in this world?
What do they expect to gain from causing so much pain?
Why do I feel like I have so much to offer someone - yet, I'm alone?
Why must my children grow up only having one parent in their lives?
Why, if everyone says I'm such a "great guy", why am I single?

I'm tired......of so much.

I hate being alone.
I hate feeling unwanted.
I hate feeling unloved.
I hate feeling like I'm never good enough.
I hate never being good enough.
I hate this game life plays.......

"...makes ya think you're everything they ever said you were."

Monday, May 19, 2008

Just thinking.... a lot. (Random thoughts)

(Originally posted by me on another blog on May 19, 2008)

Just thinking.... a lot.

You can't please all the people all the time...

Words that are very true... It seems I've spent most of my life trying to make other people happy, always concerned with someone else's happiness and - I guess - hoping that in making someone else happy, that it would reflect upon me and make me happy as well.

I don't think I even know what true happiness really is for myself. Of course, my kids make me happy... seeing them enjoy themselves; seeing them do well in school; seeing them just play and interact with other children ...all of these things (and so much more) really bring a huge smile to my face, but more than just that.. it makes me beam inside.

But I'm not referring to that kind of happiness. I'm referring to something similar to the bond that my parents share. They just celebrated their 34th anniversary just over a week ago. I know I'm very fortunate to not only have such awesome parents as I do, but to also have parents who have stuck it out thru thick and thin and that are still married.

But that's just it... they actually truly and deeply love and care for each other with a love that not many people of this world would understand. And I guess I'm spoiled(?) because I have seen that as an example my whole life and I want the same. Of course, I thought I had found such a thing 11 years ago or else I would've never gotten married.

People have often told me to focus on the positive things in life.. such as my kids, which has of course been the biggest positive thing in my life ever since they were born... but there's always been that one thing missing from my life......

Anyway, I know all too well what it's like to have past relationships fail and leave you questioning everything... I know what it's like to have haunting memories linger over me that constantly mess with my head, especially when they're still very recent - those times were the worst. It is somewhat true that it gets better over time, but I don't believe in the saying that "time heals all wounds" -- It may make it easier, but if certainly doesn't heal them.

So... I'm not sure what the purpose of me typing all this out is, it probably doesn't even make any sense. I just felt the need to type and see what came out.

The reason behind me typing this out is that I spent this past weekend hanging out with an amazing woman who has some of the most awesome children I've ever met and, for a while now, I've really felt a connection with her and this weekend only intensified it... but she's kind of in that place I mentioned a few paragraphs above -- where wounds are still fresh and she's constantly struggling with memories, etc. etc.

I just want her, and everyone, to know that I know all too well this place that's she's at in regards to all of this... I want her to know that I'm here for her, whenever she needs me.

She really is an amazing person, ...and I've never met any other kids before that I thought were as awesome as my own. =)

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Mr. Asshole

So earlier today I took my kids to Wal-Mart to exchange two shirts that I had bought yesterday for my daughter. They were a size too small and we just needed to get one size larger for each and then my son had some birthday money to spend from a few weeks ago and then I needed to pick up a couple of things.

We headed over to the customer service desk and I explained it to the lady and then we went and found the same shirts easily and got a size larger for each and then headed back up front.

When we get there, there's two people behind the counter both assisting customers. We end up waiting behind them and when the first lady finishes with the customer, the customer leaves and the lady looks real busy still so we don't move - I was waiting on her to say something to me because it was obvious we were waiting.

Well, at that moment, this guy walks past us and right up to her and starts talking to her...

Now, this is a pretty tough looking dude. He actually looked like he might've been taking steroids or something.. lol ..but I didn't let that stop me from saying something:

"Hey man, there's a line here."

He turns around and says the following - laced with ALL kinds of pissy-attitude:

"Well is okay if I just ask the lady a question?!"

I say: "Yeah, sure."

It turns out, he's waving a pair of gym shorts in the air and mentioning that he just wanted to exchange them and he had already brought the original pair up there and they were behind this lady.

Interesting. He's there for pretty much the same thing we are.

So, of course, I speak up again:

"That's funny, we're here for the exact same reason. We're *waiting in line* to exchange these shirts for my daughter."

He turns around and gives me a dirty look and, before he could say anything, the lady says she's busy finishing something up and then she asks him to step to the back of the line.

lol

He reluctantly walks around and stands behind me.

I couldn't resist, even though he could've totally pounded me into the ground, I say:

"See? Now you're right where you belong -- BEHIND ME."

...and I smile and turn back around.

lol

...

It was then that he actually has the nerve to say - this time laced with plenty of sarcasm:

"Ya know, you're being a *real* good example for your kids here..."

I turned back towards him, pretty furious at this point but holding it in, and I say:

"Don't you worry about the example *I* am for *my* children. I'm a great example for them -- and right now I'm showing them that you shouldn't let someone else cut in front of you in line, that you should instead speak up and stand up for yourself."

Then the lady makes eye contact with me and I could tell she was ready to assist us.

(I'm pretty sure the roid head make another smartass comment but right now I can't remember.)

Anyway, after she does her scanning and printing of the receipt and after I sign it and all that jazz - we're now ready to go.

I turn around and as I'm walking past Mr. Asshole I say:

"Come on kids... and hey, just remember: no matter how old you are, you should never let someone bully you around."

All he could come up with was: "Shut up."

So, I smiled at him and said:

"You have a nice day, sir!"

lol

...

Asshole.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

This fire burns.. always.

(Originally posted by me on another blog on March 22, 2008)

This fire burns.. always.

Current mood:determined

"This Fire" - By Killswitch Engage
["When Daylight Dies" Special Edition Track]


All I’ve ever wanted was destiny to be fulfilled,
it is in my hands, I must not fail,
I must not fail.

Even through the darkest days,
this fire burns, always.
this fire burns, always.

This is the broken ground
Misery begins to rise.
Turn away from yesterday,
tomorrow’s in my eyes.

Nevermore to be held down
by the wings of history.
Nevermore to be cast aside,
this day is mine.

Even through the darkest days,
this fire burns, always.
this fire burns, always.

I will not be denied
in this final hour.
I will not be denied,
this day is mine.

The passion inside me,
is burning, is burning.
The passion inside me,
is burning, is burning.

Even through the darkest days,
this fire burns always (always).
This fire burns (fire burns) always.

Always (always).

This band never lets me down... Awesome music, awesome lyrics and I always seem to come across new songs or certain lyrics of theirs at just the right times, too. I love these guys.

Let It Go

(Originally posted by me on another blog of mine on March 22, 2008)

"Let it Go"

By Bishop T. D. Jakes

(Taken from a friend's blog. The line I put in italics and bold really stood out to me... Just thought I'd share.)

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with
you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made
manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that
their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in
good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I
know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your
worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you .........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves........

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ......

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2008!!!


LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then ...

LET IT GO!!!